How to Deal with Tantrums - from Toddlers to Teens!
Oh brother, here it goes. The screaming. The power struggle. The yelling. The stomping off. The flailing about the floor.
Every parent has been there. Tantrums can happen in the very young all the way up through teens, and if we are honest sometimes we as parents can throw our sort of tantrums ourselves! As a parent coach one of my frequently asked questions is “how do I deal with tantrums?!”
There are few triggers as strong as tantrums, and to be honest I didn’t know how to respond when my children were younger. Here’s a few of the things I tried that didn’t work:
Ignoring it completely : While it’s true the attention we give to something gives it more power, simply ignoring the tantrum can send a message to the child that they are not seen. When a child feels unseen, the tantrum can escalate.
Belittling the child: When my child would not stop with ignoring, I sometimes would jump to try to fix the problem myself. “Oh stop it! You are 5 now, get over it!” Or for teens: “Oh come on! We have been over this before! Wait til you go to college, you won’t be able to get this right if you don’t practice it NOW!” While we can most all agree that this approach isn’t ultimately helpful, in the moment it sure does feel good to let off some steam and actually gives us a sense of control! But in the end, the child walks away feeling shame which simply fuels the next tantrum.
Trying to explain the tantrum away to onlookers. You know what I mean. It can feel embarrassing to have your child melt down in public, disturbing the peace. You may even get dirty looks or worse, be told by family or by strangers that you need to give that child a good spanking to show him who’s boss. If your teen is disrespecting you, it can feel even worse. However, there is no need to explain the tantrum away. The tantrum says nothing about your parenting ability nor does it say anything about you as a person. The tantrum is the result of a child’s blocked goal. And truthfully we all would be throwing tantrums all day if we didn’t have the maturity of adulthood to hold back.
If you are stuck trying to figure out WHAT to do when your child rages, take a few tips from a mom who has been there just a few times:
Ask the obvious question: I like to remember the acronym HALT: Is my child hungry, angry, lonely, tired or thirsty? If so, I have my solution. Keeping a snack and a water bottle with you at all times can help lengthen the times you can be away from home. Anger is the result of a blocked goal. Maybe try to figure out what that goal is the child wants and help her meet it, and if that’s impossible try to redirect to another activity.
If HALT isn’t working, asking the powerful question: “What’s going on with me?” is transformational: As I type this I’m wondering if I should place this question before HALT, for it is that important. A child will feed off of our stress about the past, present and future. I like to use the Lawrence Cohen analogy from his book The Opposite of Worry : If you have 2 chickens and one is stressed, the stressed chicken needs a calm 2nd chicken to lower it’s stressful state. If the other chicken is calm, the chicken will calm quickly. Be that 2nd chicken for your child.
Ask: “what’s it like to be my child right now?” Think about your own responses. If you were that size, would you feel scared, shame, angry, or safe? Think about things that are important to you that you weren’t able to have. How would that stress affect you? When you are a child, even small things feel really big. For teens, the added joy of hormones can make even a small thing feel really overwhelming. And social pressures can make a teen have big responses. They aren’t being disrespectful, they have a lot going on in their head. Right now in the heat of the moment is not the time to address that piece. Waiting until the tantrum has subsided will be better received.
Validate your child’s feelings: This is the opposite of ignoring. Match your child’s energy and say things like "Ugh! I can see you are REALLY mad right now, is that right?” “Oh yeah, I feel really angry when I don’t get my way either!” Validating your child’s feelings help them feel safe and seen, therefore able to trust you to help them through it. Teenagers text, and sending a simple text like “we are going to get through this together.” goes much further than arguing it out.
Help your child reframe the situation if possible. Instead of “I can’t do it!”, you can add the word “yet” to the statement. “No, you can’t do it yet. And that is really frustrating isn’t it? But let’s work together and I know really soon, you will be able to do it!” Then make a plan to learn how. This isn’t always possible, but can be very helpful. For teens, helping them develop their problem solving skills will empower them to make wise decisions later.
Remember these numbers: 2, 12, and 20 (roundabout). These are the ages of development where kids gain independence and will rebel a little more. In age 2 it’s “NO!”. In age 12 it’s a rolling of the eyes or a slamming of the door after stomping off. At 20 it could be driving away or not calling. It’s really hard to be the parent in this situation, but knowing these ages come with these developmental milestones is helpful. It’s also a sign of healthy attachment, so it’s actually good news!
Lastly (at least here) remember this: YOUR CHILD IS NOT YOUR REPORT CARD. This is a lesson I learned from my friend and mentor, Lynne Jackson in her course Grace and Truth for Moms. (highly recommended!) Other people may say or think what they want. You can walk confidently that the tantrum is a normal stage of development, freeing your mind to parent in wisdom.
DO TANTRUMS HAVE YOU DOWN? NEED SOME HELP? In parent coaching, we dive into this a little more. I’d love to come alongside you to help you parent wisely and confidently. Book a complimentary consult to see how coaching can help you!
Another great resource is my online course, The Peaceful Parenting Journey. This 5 day course helps you identify your stress and helps you create a plan to manage it well. Get it for only $10 HERE
The Peaceful Parenting Journey is a 5 day course designed to help you process your own stress, anxiety and how to manage it, especially relating to parenthood.
Alongside,
Taylor
