How to decrease unwanted behavior in children
“Stop lying!”
“Your whining is getting on my LAST nerve!”
“Stop being so mean to your sister!”
Do these statements or similar ones sound familiar? They have definitely been uttered in our house!
We try to teach our children the best we know how, and we have really good intentions. We want our children to be respectful, obedient, kind, and helpful. We think about the teen years, or adulthood, and fear can enter our minds: “is it just going to be terrible? If this behavior continues like this, is it just going to get worse? How can I do this for ____many more years?” We try our best by calling out the behavior and struggling to get them to comply, but it seems to just grow and get worse.
Oh parent, I get it!
However, there is a verse in the ancient text of the Bible that holds so much wisdom for parents. I’ll share it below:
Do you see what Paul says there? To think about if there is anything excellent. ANYTHING. So, is it possible to find SOMETHING in our child’s misbehavior that is a GOOD thing?
Okay, before you interrupt and assure me there isn’t, let’s just explore this a bit, shall we?
A kid knows when he gets home from school the expectation is to put his shoes in a row by the door and hang up his bag before he gets a snack. That afternoon he tosses his shoes and half heartedly hangs his bag. He fixes himself and his sister a healthy snack. Can you pull out anything that is excellent about this scenario? I would be tempted to nag him about hanging his bag properly and putting his shoes in order (and I have been guilty of this I assure you!) But what would it be like on the receiving end and hear Mom say something like:
”Hey Buddy, I really love how you put your bag on the hook and made your sister a healthy snack. That was really thoughtful and as a result your sister feels really cared for by you. I can tell you are really growing in your ability to care for others. You are almost there with what we talked about yesterday. Can you guess what it would take to complete the responsibility?”
Do you see how we pulled out what is excellent? When a child hears this, this focusing on the good, only good things will grow.
Quote from my amazing friend, Lynne Jackson, of Connected Families. From the Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart online course.
Nagging a child about what they are doing wrong only increases the chance it will happen again, and doesn’t leave room for growth. In calling out the good, we become mentors to our children, showing them we believe in them and know they can get it right.
I’m excited to put this into extra practice this week. I’d love to hear in what ways you are calling out the good for your children (and for yourself/spouse!)
Alongside,
Taylor
