Building Resilience in Children after Moving Overseas
This is part two of a series for families moving overseas. It’s my hope the reader is encouraged and feels more equipped. If you have questions or need clarification, please do contact me. The first article is on the blog: “5 Things I wish I would have known When Moving Overseas.”
In 2009 our family moved from Atlanta, GA to Sarajevo, Bosnia. It was an exciting time but also full of grief and challenges. We were exhausted much of that first year. I worried for my children. How would they grow up without family nearby? Would our family ever know them? Would we lose touch with those we loved the most? What about friends? What about education? Each time I would voice my concern, people would shrug and reply: “It’s okay. Kids are resilient. They will bounce back.” I hated that statement. None of them raised children overseas, none of them understood that children, while easier to mold than adults, are not born with resilience. Resilience is defined as the ability to adapt well to difficulties. It helps us manage stress and uncertainty. Unlike popular opinion, children must LEARN resilience, and when parents are also encountering their own feelings of loss, stress and anxiety (like moving to a new country!) it can be tricky to help our kids process this too. Moving is hard, and kids’ grief can be difficult to navigate.
The American Psychological Association lists several steps to building resiliency in children. I have adapted some to apply to children who have endured many transitions, specifically to the children we have raised in a culture that was not our own:
Connect with your child: Most parents agree on the importance of connection, but in a time of great stress children are in deficit. When we moved to Sarajevo I was overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time. Our 3 year old would cry every morning those first few months. Navigating my own emotions was challenging, but also helping her find peace was really challenging! It was crucial to understand what was going on inside of me (my fear, anxiety, expectations) before I tried to “make things better” for my daughter. When I was able to connect with her heart through curious questions (and letting her cry and show the full range of emotion) she burst into tears: “I miss Nana and Grandy!!!” Each morning she woke to a culture where she felt insecure, she was reminded of the people who gave her great comfort: her grandparents. Over time, as we empathized with her and gave her tools to have small successes, she learned to love being in Bosnia. After finding my way a little more in the culture and cutting out unnecessary tasks (picking up pizza was FINE every week!) we grew in capacity to connect with our kids through reading books, watching cartoons, learning Bosnian and baking together. We also spent time just exploring our new culture together and making new friends. Spending time together and harnessing the power of empathy in your relationship with your kids makes kids feel “seen”, thus building resilience. **Note: Connection is NOT the same as attention. We can give our kids attention without connecting with them.
Tip: Learning how to ask curious questions helps build connection and wisdom. Connected Families has an amazing course on this, and you can save 20% with my coupon code: TICOACHING20 at checkout!
Notice ways to serve together: Whether volunteering at church or donating gently used clothes to a child in need, we looked for ways to serve together. When our kids got a little older, we invited them to our high school nights and they became friends with those kids over game nights and pizza. Age appropriate chores around the house that communicate “you are an important part of this family and we need you!” help them understand their importance and their impact in the world. **caveat: they are NOT “little missionaries”. This is not the life they chose, but you can help them learn how God can use them, even in this new and unfamiliar place.**
Create and maintain rhythms: We are NOT a structured family. I have tried schedules, routines, charts…and I fail every time. If this is your family, rely on that structure. It will help. But if you are like me, I had to find rhythms to look forward to. Holidays carry our own special traditions that we made up with things we could use in our host country. Every Saturday is still pancake morning, a rhythm we began in Bosnia. Fourth of July was an annual party that became an anchor in the year. Bedtime was consistent, and we went to church each Sunday. Find rhythms that work for your family. Having things to look forward to as well as routines and rhythms help a child make sense of space and time. (Sally Clarkson’s book “The Lifegiving Home” was a helpful guide when thinking of our family rhythms)
Take vacation and weekends! When arriving it’s easy to work through weekends and vacations. Language learning is fun for some, and ministry opportunities can be exciting. But remember: this is a marathon, not a sprint like a summer short term trip. Your children NEED you to stop work and look at them, listen to them, build memories, and build your family culture. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Our family took day trips to the mountains (15 minute drive), weekend trips to the beach, or staying at home reading books aloud. Fridays were movie and popcorn night (they still are!). Exploring the world around us built our relationships and memories we cherish to this day.
Teach emotional regulation. It was important for our kids to have words to attach to their emotions. Printing out an emoji map or wheel may help to put words to what everyone is feeling. Giving kids coping strategies to help with anxiety or fear is helpful. One of my kids found that having a large bookshelf with lots of options for books as well as audiobooks helped with her anxiety, and when she got older she discovered working with her hands calmed her emotions. Embroidery, legos, art, and caring for a plant or pet gives them purpose and productivity. One of my children discovered purposeful work like cooking or cleaning helped her calm down when she could feel herself getting antsy or angry. A “sensory backpack” can be helpful for a child who needs fidgets to bring their anxiety to a healthy level. Here is a link to sensory ideas and here is a video of Josh and I explaining Daniel Siegel’s idea of “Window of Tolerance” of stress and anxiety. Note: Connected Families is releasing their course on the Sensitive and Intense Child soon. I’ll update it here when it’s released. It’s taught some really great people and will be so valuable.
Help them set goals: When my young kids were starting school we set simple and realistic goals: meet one friend and learn one new Bosnian word. When things seem impossible, help your child break it down into smaller goals. Sometimes kids look at a huge list of things they have not accomplished yet (i.e. learn the local language, feel a part of the community, make good grades) and feel overwhelmed. Being a partner with your child to help them solve problems and set small goals will give them a sense of empowerment and accomplishment, building their confidence to try new things.
Accept the changes that come: At some point we need to move through the grief and loss and accept what is the new reality. I remember crying a lot about all the things they would miss about America. But at some point, we all realized all of the losses came with a great gain. We learned to hold both joy and sorrow in the same hand. On one hand, they were missing a lot of things we loved as children in our culture. But on the other our kids were bilingual, well traveled, knew how to make friends, and understood a different world view. To accept the new land as our new home (vs. a place we were visiting) was crucial in helping them build resilience for the many changes and transitions that were ahead.
Building resilience in children takes intentionality, especially when making an international move. For more resources, here are a couple resources I recommend:
Have a Child Who Gives up Easily? By Connected Families
Third Culture Kids by David Pollock
IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND:
It’s important to note that some children may need a change or extra help. Contact a professional immediately if you see signs of depression. This is not to be taken lightly and must be acted upon quickly. Remember, where kids thrive families thrive. So many times I have seen kids be put on the back burner for ministry purposes. Listen to your kids, include them in what you are doing, put them above the ministry. You may find that within a few years, your kids learn to love their host culture as their own and going back to your home culture will be more challenging! Take every day at a time, helping your kids (and yourself) build the resiliency needed to embrace the change. Coaching may help, and I’m happy to have a free consult to figure out best steps to get started.
Taylor has served on staff for 18 years, 11 of those years in Sarajevo, Bosnia. She currently serves part time on the CruCity team caring for staff as a life and family coach. She enjoys coaching through her business, Taylor Irby Coaching, where she loves to come alongside and demonstrate care to the deepest places in the heart. Taylor and her husband Josh reside in Decatur, Ga with their 5 children.
