5 Things I wish I knew before moving overseas with small children
This article is part of a series written for parents preparing to move overseas. The subsequent articles will be published at www.taylorirbycoaching.com on the blog.
NOTE ADDED: Since writing this article some have communicated they feel pressure about school choice. My hope in writing this was that parents would feel set free from the pressures surrounding this topic (I know it’s a BIG topic with LOTS of opinions) and feel freedom to make their own decisions, as every family, country, school, child, situation is vastly different. So I want to highlight here: listen to the Holy Spirit here, listen to your child, research your options, seek counsel. Local school is a great opportunity but it is most certainly not the only or even best opportunity for all.
2009 was an exciting year for our family. We were preparing for an international move and knew we’d live there for at least 5 years. Lots of grief around that move but also excitement. There were a lot of things I learned in our 11 years overseas, a lot of them pertaining to raising children. Here are 5 of the top things I learned in those first few years:
Children are not born resilient. I heard that over and over as I told friends of my 3 and 2 year old and their sadness of leaving grandparents. “Children are resilient. They will adjust, just wait and see!” None of them raised children overseas, none of them understood that children, while easier to mold than adults, are not born with resilience. Resilience is defined as the ability to adapt well to difficulties. It helps us manage stress and uncertainty. Unlike popular opinion, children must LEARN resilience from their parents, and when parents are also encountering their own feelings of loss, stress and anxiety (like moving to a new country!) it can be tricky to help our kids process this too. Moving brings lots of grief. Kids’ grief can be hard to navigate. Learn how to build resilience in your children. (tip: Parent Coaching can help!)
Whenever possible, be in the culture. I met lots of other international workers over our decade overseas. The ones who lasted and remained healthy were the ones who engaged in the culture, took time to learn the language, while also balancing individual needs for home culture. Learning the language and using it is a must, joining a local church is important, and when possible - local school is a huge opportunity.
But take care of yourself and remember kids need their home culture too. My first year I took Bosnian 3x/week and spent many hours in the markets, sat “on coffee” while listening to Bosnian conversation, sat in the mom’s waiting area while my daughter took ballet and listened to the conversation (and jumping in where I could), attended a Bosnian church, read Bosnian kids’ books, and watched Bosnian TV. I listened to the local news station in the morning, and tried really hard to make friendships with people around me. But every Tuesday afternoon was my “expat” time. I went to an international Bible study in English where I could bear my heart and soul freely. This was highly discouraged as it was my “language year” and I was to immerse myself as much as possible. I look back on that year and know it was that Bible study where I grew spiritually and felt the most safe because I could share in English. As a verbal processor I have a huge need to be seen and known. I know others who chose to go to their church Bible study in Bosnian and that was so good for them. All I’m saying here is know yourself, and do not deny your emotional needs nor judge the decisions of others.
Be aware of your child’s educational needs. Our motto became local school unless we found out our child needed something different. It turned out each one of our 5 children had different needs and school environments over the years. One thrived in Bosnian school, a few needed a Montessori environment with mixed languages, and one in a Croatian school (which is the same language, but run by Croatians). It was crucial we could read our kids’ educational needs and know when it was time for a change. Many of us have goals to learn in the local language. I’ll say it again: our kids did not pick this life, and sometimes they will thrive there but sometimes they won’t. Trust your gut on this and get professional educational advice when needed. When kids thrive, families thrive.
Take care of your marriage. Above all, guard your marriage! Many of you will find in your host culture childcare is extremely affordable. Use that to take a date night once a week. Our childcare was so affordable we were able to get away a few days every now and then to refresh and reconnect. I cannot stress this enough. Living overseas can really be draining on marriages, and often the last place people invest. Remember: when marriages thrive, families thrive.
Seek help when needed. Sometimes we can’t find a solution to a situation. It could be a parenting, marriage, or mental health issue. Lots of places offer free or reduced rate counseling for international workers. As a marriage and parenting coach who has experience with international workers I love to come alongside you in your struggles. There are also many others who work in other fields where I can direct you for services.
There is so much to think about and so much to do when your family moves overseas. In the excitement and in the grief, remember to hold your family well. It can be challenging with all the things to think of, but with some intentionality your family can thrive.
Taylor has served on Cru staff for 18 years, 11 of those years in Sarajevo, Bosnia. She currently serves part time on the CruCity team caring for staff as a life and family coach. She enjoys coaching through her business, Taylor Irby Coaching, where she loves to come alongside and demonstrate care to the deepest places in the heart. Taylor and her husband Josh reside in Decatur, Ga with their 5 children.