Freedom to Withhold Consequences (at least for now)…
Before I begin I know you may be thinking, “Wait what? Isn’t this spoiling our kids? How can they learn without a consequence?! Shouldn’t they learn to respond the first time?”
I hear you. And I believed the this for a very long time. But what does the Bible actually say?
Luke 1:17
“And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” -Luke 1:17
So what is the point of discipline? The answer was a game changer to me. According to Luke 1:17, the goal of discipline is to build wisdom. If I am to build wisdom in my child, how am I to respond?
If biggest goal is for children to obey us the first time, its hard to figure out what consequences actually build wisdom. If we are giving quick, punitive consequences “Go to your room! Apologize NOW and MEAN IT, I’m going to take away your screen time, if you keep doing this we are going home…etc etc etc” We need to step back and think through what consequences that actually call our children up and out and into wisdom. What consequences actually restore our children to us, to each other, to God? What consequences help them right their wrongs?
When I am stuck with a discipline issue with my own children (yes I encounter those too) my first goal is to remain SAFE with them as well as make sure they know they are LOVED in the moment. This can be challenging for those of us who grew up parenting a different way. The most powerful parenting moments for me have been the times I have been stumped and not sure how to respond, but prioritizing that my child feels safe and loved. If you find yourself in a similar place, try this approach:
Pay attention: what is going on inside of you? This is the first question in the Connected Families framework, and it’s crucial. If I can get myself to a calm space inside, even in the chaos, I can communicate the message “YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME.” When we make this our most important goal, we create a foundation for wisdom building. Our children must trust us if they are going to listen to us because kids (and teens!) learn best when they feel safe.
Consider the situation: What may your child be going through right now? What is his or her goal and how is that clashing with yours? This is addressing the question “What is going on inside of my child?” When we really take a look and ask this question, we are able to truly send the message that our children are loved, even in misbehavior (another piece of the Connected Families framework).
Ask, don’t tell: When we take time to listen to our children and ask open and curious questions we demonstrate belief in our children and challenge them to grow in wisdom. This is harder to get to sometimes, especially when we have a sensitive child. This course is really helpful to learn how to ask these kinds of questions.
Hold them accountable. Make sure the standard is clear, that the child understands what happens when they get off track. Implement consequences that build wisdom. This free ebook is really great for consequences.
But what happens if you just don’t know? If you try to ask questions but you are met with screaming? If you aren’t sure what consequence would be effective? Resist the urge to quickly go to a consequence just for the sake of having a consequence. This reduces your impact in the long run. Instead, focus on staying “safe” and “loved” (points 1 and 2). When we build on this, our children learn to trust and respect us over time. So I’m giving you the freedom (if you need it!) to withhold consequences if you need to sometimes. Or take a break to think about what consequence is going to help meet your goal of building wisdom. Let go of the pressure to punish, and receive the grace of connection.
**For clarity’s sake, We are not to do away with consequences. We are responsible for holding our children accountable for their actions. However, there are circumstances where we just don’t know how to do that. In the grand scheme of things, those situations are minimal. Our choice to control our own emotions and to choose to demonstrate love our children, even in misbehavior (see Romans 5:8, and this saying is another one said frequently with Connected Families) gives us leverage to implement consequences that build wisdom when we do have that clarity.**
Alongside,
Taylor
