Healthy Ways for Kids to Release Anger and Stress
Defiance. Disrespect. Arguing. Tantrums. Fits of rage.
These behaviors are seen as “unacceptable” in our society, and they tend to make parents angry. We want to love our children well, but our nervous systems feel flooded, leading us to respond out of desperation.
Yelling. Shaming. Losing our tempers.
Sound familiar? You aren’t alone! It can be exasperating! But parents and caregivers need to understand that being a kid in today’s world is so different than 20 years ago. In fact, according to the latest research, approximately 5.6 million children in the US alone suffer from anxiety. That’s about 1 in every 10!
The results of too much sensory input (screens, tablets, the constant noise), lack of downtime, nutritional deficiencies, not enough time to explore the outdoors, coupled with the pandemic and constant negative news stories can hugely impact a child.
Stress and anger in children manifests through behavior and is a child’s way of crying for help. They were not born understanding how to make sense of their worlds and how to regulate their emotions.
The good news is they can learn. They are more malleable than adults, and usually pick up quickly. But the road can often feel lonely and hard. In my journey as a mom, I have seen the effects of anxiety and stress in each one of my children. I have been blessed to work with some pretty amazing people for several years now to learn more about the nervous system and how to help kids through this. What I’m about to write is not an exhaustive list, but one to get you started when you sense your child is under stress.
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
As a parent you must learn how to regulate your own emotions. It is near impossible to help your child through this when your emotions are out of control. My free course “The Peaceful Parenting Journey: a 5 Day Guide to Thriving Amidst the Chaos” walks you through this. If you need help in learning how to reduce and cope with your own stress and anxiety load, this course is just for you.
HOW TO HELP OUR KIDS THROUGH ANGER AND STRESS:
Once we have regulated our own emotions, it’s time to jump into what we call “co-regulation”. A child most likely will not respond to “calm down!” or even “take some deep breaths!” but most when we are practicing what we go over in parent coaching, this idea of “slow-low-listen.” Once we can slow down and get on our kids’ levels and truly listen to them, we can learn a lot. If the child is open, cuddles and undivided attention from you (reading a book, listening to music, practicing a yoga video together, taking a walk) will be very effective. If there is anger asking them what goal is blocked can reveal some helpful insights. But sometimes kids are so upset they need some outside resources. (and using these may help them learn to regulate themselves over time!) Practicing coping mechanisms outside the heat of the moment will help your child put them more into practice in their own time when the heat is on.
Here’s a few ideas to get you started:
CREATE A SENSORY BACKPACK FOR ON THE GO RELIEF:
There are some great ideas in this article for creating your own, but the big idea is to gather some items that provide sensory integration on the go. Here’s a list of things we keep in ours: Fidget Toys Pack, Weighted Heatable Lap Pad, Noise Cancelling Headphones, Thinking Putty. Marble Net, Scented Lotion, a pack of gum, mints or hard candy to suck.
OFFER A HEALTHY SNACK:
Something chewy helps with anxiety. Dried mango, gum, or even celery with nut butter can have a calming effect.
SLEEP HELP:
My child with ADHD and anxiety loves this lycra sleep sheet, providing extra pressure that releases a calming effect in the body.
Essential oils can be beneficial in helping with calming down before bedtime. My favorites are from DoTerra as they are pure, and can be found here. Favorite Irby blends are Lavender, Serenity and Citrus Bliss.
We also have a gentle night light and love this one from Amazon. My kids love to change the colors to reflect their need for a peaceful atmosphere.
There are a lot of peaceful playlists for relaxation. Each child is different so it may be helpful to listen to a few with your child and see what their preferences are. Our kids have also really liked white noise and brown noise in the past, which you can find on many phone apps or streaming services.
Audiobooks can be really helpful, as it helps the anxious brain focus on something else besides the worries of the day. My kids’ favorite by far (the teens still talk about how this soothed them when they couldn’t sleep) is by Jim Weiss and can be found here.
Remember, bedtime is known as the “Dessert of the Day” (term coined by Connected Families) and this wonderful ebook can address more concerns around this often anxious time of day.
Weighted blankets can provide special comfort for kids who feel overwhelmed. This won’t be as helpful for kids who are feeling like they are going to explode with anger, but more for kids who need comfort and rest. Make sure to check the weight of the blanket with the weight of your child.
HIGH ENERGY:
When in a state of fight or flight, the blood moves from the frontal lobe (thinking and reasoning part of the brain) to the big muscles and the body needs to release the energy. If you notice your child start to become agitated, providing opportunities to move those big muscles can prevent a meltdown before it starts. Some great ideas include heavy lifting (help me unload the groceries!), pushing heavy things (“hey, will you help me rearrange this couch/table/etc?”…something not too heavy for your child but provides that input), crawling around the house and growling or roaring like a bear, having a dance party (if the child is not too upset), riding a bike, swinging (I love this swing for indoor spaces), or jumping on a trampoline (have a small house? No worries, this small trampoline is perfect for small spaces!) can be great releases of stress. When those big muscles are satisfied the frontal lobe is back online and the child is more open to listen and to incorporate more strategies that help with anxiety.
FURRY FRIENDS:
Your child may benefit from a support animal. You don’t have to get an animal trained just for this, many shelter animals can provide just as much comfort. We got my daughter a cat from our local shelter and she has mentioned time and again how much of a relief it is to hold her purring kitty when she feels anxious. My other daughter finds great solace in our dog. Many kids report that watching fish swim in an aquarium is relaxing as well. Is having a pet just not right for your family? Our kids also love these fun “animals” : Squishmallows and Warmies Weighted Microwavable Animals
ART:
Get out the paint, crayons, playdough, and beads! Art has a healing effect on anxiety and stress. Sometimes I have kids draw out their emotions on paper. This helps me visually see what is going on in their little brains and occasionally opens the door to conversation. We love Kwik Stix, Perler Beads (and don’t forget this mini iron, will save you lots of time and hassle!), and scratch pads but of course simple crayons and printer paper work too!
CALMING SENSORY BATH:
When things get really overwhelming, we take our little nightlight into the bathroom, draw a warm bath, get the oil diffuser going with their favorite oil, and add either calming bath salts, or color tabs to the water. Sometimes they like some calming music to accompany their bath, sometimes they prefer silence. I turn the light out and let the glow of the nightlight or diffuser provide a calming atmosphere and they take all the time they need (of course these are my older kids who are confident in the water and can be left unattended). I check in on them and when they are done, they always feel so much better.
DOWNTIME:
Creating a safe space for your child to decompress is important. This can be a special closet, a separate room, or even their own bed! We have always lived in small spaces for the amount of children we have, but each child knows their bed is a space all their own. We let them pick out their own bedspreads and they know it’s available to them whenever they need it.
JOURNALING:
In my free course The Peaceful Parenting Journey (coming soon!), I mention the importance of giving thanks and keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to do this. Gratitude is a great medicine for stress, and writing out your thoughts on paper helps get them out into the world and out of your head. Here are a few prompts to get your child (and you!) started:
Draw a picture of yourself. Write your worries on sticky notes and put them on your picture where you feel them in your body. (maybe you feel worried about a big test tomorrow and you feel that in your tummy. Or you are anxious about friendship troubles and you feel that in your shoulders). Seeing where our worries rest is a great way to be able to process them.
List your worries as you feel them (example: the airplane will crash!) and then list in reality what probably happens (turbulence). This helps us see the difference between what is simply a worry and what is a reality.
OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY AND COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY:
In some cases, children need outside help. One of my kids benefited greatly from Occupational Therapy (OT) where he learned sensory integration and skills for functioning in everyday life. One of my other children learned some great skills from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) through a local child therapist. Getting outside help is a great option for some children!
There are so many more ideas out there, and I encourage you to explore on your own. But this is just a list to get you started. If you want a more comprehensive list of great activities, my friend and mentor Lynne Jackson at Connected Families has created this resource. Check it out!
There is always an opportunity for stress and anxiety in this world. But thankfully there is always a way to cope, grow and learn. Try these with your kids and see how, over time, your child grows in capability to release stress and anger in a healthy way.
